The Campfire – A Collaborative Discussion of Friendship

Patty Bechtold – WhyNotStartNow.wordpress.com

LET’S START BY PRETENDING. WOULD THAT BE OK?

Imagine you’re at home, at the end of the day. Kicking back. Comfortably settled in, remembering that life is good.

Heck, maybe you don’t even have to imagine that. Maybe you’re there right now, in fact.

So let’s keep going. You’re tucked away in your life, and the door bell rings. You get up to answer it, and surprise. It’s me!

Hi! How are you? What’s up? Who are you, again?

We exchange greetings, catch up, chat about work, the family, our latest adventures. You know, all the things people talk about.

And right in the midst of our conversation, I get up and mosey over to your kitchen. Open the refrigerator. And survey its contents while hanging on the door. Wow, I’m famished. Thirsty too. So I pull out those delicious leftovers you were planning to eat for lunch tomorrow, and while I’m at it, that bottle of imported beer looks too good to pass up. Yum!

BACK TO RIGHT NOW

OK, we’ve stopped pretending. And I’m curious. What did you think of my antics? Wasn’t it a bit bad-mannered of me to raid your fridge like that? Who do I think I am? As a matter of fact, how cheeky of me!

Yes, it would be perfectly normal for you to react that way, because we don’t know each other. But the thing is, if we did know each other, and I sauntered into your home and poked my nose into your Frigidaire or GE or whatever brand you favor, it would actually be a good thing. Because it would mean that we share refrigerator rights (http://drwill.com/fridge/).

REFRIGERATOR RIGHTS

In case you haven’t heard it before, the term was coined by Will Miller and Glenn Sparks, in the book of the same name. And the moment I learned of it, I felt a pang. A deep emotional response. I knew exactly what they were talking about, and I remembered how much I longed for such richly sustaining friendships. Those that go beyond casual acquaintances, and become family.

Turns out that in this day and age of scattered extended families, we need refrigerator rights relationships more than ever.

But the truth is, in the rush and roar of the 21st century, I don’t have many of them in my life. Neither do most of my clients. It’s a wistful story I’ve listened to many times. And it’s not merely a generational yearning, because my clients range in age from 25 to 65.

Without a doubt, it’s well-traveled territory to identify the things that get in the way of refrigerator rights relationships: 50-plus hour work weeks, long commutes, television, frequent relocations, the internet, fatigue, and suburbia, to name a few. And of course, good old American individualism. So if you’re in another country, you may have a better chance at developing such friendships.

WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS

We all know how important it is to have strong social support systems. But sometimes I worry that the more we become connected globally, the more we become isolated individually. Strange paradox, isn’t it?
I don’t have an answer for it. Maybe just a plea today: if you’re not doing so already, go out and connect. Nurture relationships in real space and real time. And don’t be surprised when you find people opening your refrigerator door.

Oh, by the way, if you’re ever in my neighborhood, drop by. You can raid my fridge any time!

Patrenia Donald-Spears – PersonalFinanceNotebook.com

How do I find the words? When I think of a true friendship, I think of a relationship of honesty, trustworthiness and pure genuineness between two or more people. There are other words to describe it, but that’s what comes to mind for me now.

I’ve had many friendships over my lifetime and the ones that have lasted were based on a few key principles.

1. To have friends you must first show yourself friendly. This is based on a Proverb found in the bible and what my Mom taught me as a child. Be nice, be kind, smile and always treat someone the way you want to be treated.
2. Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. George Washington is the man behind this great piece of advice. One of the deepest hurts is the betrayal of a friend. Just remember that everyone has a friend, of a friend, of a friend.
3. A friend to many is a friend to none. I’m not sure where I heard this statement, but it definitely rings true. Have you ever tried to be the friend of the person that is always surrounded by lots of people? Yes, there are people that tend to be the life of the party, but can you really count on them to be there when you need a listening ear? I’m not so sure.

My advice is to take new friendships slowly. Allow them to naturally develop. Great friendships are like wine, they get better with age.
Lastly, we should never become so close to someone that we lose who we are just to be their friend. Be free. Just enjoy the camaraderie and hang out every once in a while.

Eric Watermolen – EdenJournal.com

Friendships are very important to me. It’s part of the reason I started this Campfire series; to develop and grow my online friendships. I love to hear my friends’ views on interesting topics, and to contribute some of my own views. To me, this is a key part of friendship; listening. Listening and then contributing with meaningful conversation.

For quite some time I was hesitant to refer to those folks I met online as Friends. I had a hard time wrapping my arms around the notion that one could have a friend that they had never met in person. To me, friendship had been about being there, in person, in real life, to talk to and do things with. After I started blogging, my idea of friendship changed a little. I’ve expanded my perspective to include a more open idea of friendship.

Manly Friendship

My original idea of friendship only included those that I “do” things with. People I go to events with, go camping with, go to the beach with, visit a theme park with. It required a physical presence. Krissa recently told me I think like a man. She said it jokingly and on a different topic, but I think it applies here too. I think my old idea of friendship was very man-centric, involving action rather than emotion.

A Better Idea of Friendship

My new idea of friendship is more open. I now define a friend as anyone I like to be around. This may be in person or through words thousands of miles apart across the internet. It is people I like to converse with. People I like to do things with. People that make me feel good. In fact, I’m even willing to include people that I barely know, but I thoroughly enjoy reading their stories. People like Josh over at World’s Strongest Librarian and Lori over at Jane Be Nimble.

Of course I also include my friends in this Campfire post; Annabel, Krissa, Patrenia, and Patty. I also include all the readers of my blog, Eden Journal. If you are here reading, then we already share some common interests, and I would love to have some conversation with you. Especially around a Campfire.

So let’s raise a glass (or a toasted marshmallow) as we sit around this campfire and make a toast to embrace our friendships and allow that term “friendship” a little more flexibility.

Annabel Candy – GetInTheHotSpot.com

My first best friend ever was called Cleo. She had all the qualities you’d look for in a best friend, She was:

Trustworthy
Understanding
Unconditionally loving
Dependable
Cheering

She was a pitch black cat and every time I see a black cat I still think of her and smile.

These days my friends are all humans but they have the same qualities Cleo had. I’m glad my friends come from a wide variety of different nationalities, cultures, incomes and ages. I just look for people who make me smile, who are open, friendly, caring and interesting. It helps if they are a little bit crazy and don’t mind that I am too.

If you come to a party at our house you’ll find a group of people who have nothing much in common apart from being friends with me and my husband. People are so interesting and I’d encourage everyone to make friends with as many people from different backgrounds as possible. I love to have a diverse group of friends who can teach me things I don’t know, challenge my misconceptions and make me think.

Open your eyes and look around you. There are potential friends everywhere and fiends can come from unexpected places. We all need friendship and yearn for it but it’s one thing you can’t rush. When you do find it you can relax and enjoy it though. True friends can cope with being neglected from time to time. When you do see them again it will be as if it was yesterday.

A good friendship is like a fine wine; you can lay it down and know that it will get better with time.

Krissa Lopez – HalfAsstic.com

Krissa couldn’t join us this month, but we’re keep a chair warm for her. Her mother-in-law has been in the hospital, so Krissa is taking time to be with her family this month. Last I heard from her, her mother is getting better, and she and her family are doing well. I’m sure she’d love it if you stopped by HalfAsstic.com and wished her well. We’re all looking forward to her mother recovering and her life getting back to normal (or at least as normal as things can be in her household. )

Meet your Campfire Friends.

Patty Bechtold is a storyteller, counselor, and coach who is downright determined (at times bordering on relentless) about helping people create more meaning in their lives. She writes about how meaning intersects with experience and action: what it is, how we get there, what trips us up. You can join her merry band of meaning makers at her blog, whynotstartnow.wordpress.com, or stop in at her website, bechtoldlifework.com.

Patrenia Donald-Spears is the writer and publisher of the content written at www.personalfinancenotebook.com. After three and a half years, she and her husband were able to pay off approximately $93,000 worth of debt on November 14, 2008. They were, like many Americans, working just to pay bills. Fed up, they decided enough was enough. They took control of their finances and started digging deeper to learn everything they could about money. Now realizing that education in reference finances is powerful, she has become passionate about teaching others to help them gain the same freedom and happiness in their lives.

Eric Watermolen is a personal development blogger and amateur philosopher. He enjoys discussions of our path in life; where the path leads, the adventure along the path, and the unseen forces that guide us. In addition to writing here, you can find him at Eden Journal, where he posts a wide spectrum of articles from personal development to spiritual and philosophical awakenings.

Annabel Candy writes about self improvement at Get In the Hot Spot. She runs a web design company with her husband and manages to stay (mostly) focused on designing websites for small businesses and inspiring and motivating people to live their dream despite the general mayhem created by their three children.

Krissa Lopez is a mother, wife, and caregiver to an elderly, invalid, mother-in-law while she runs a nuthouse in south Texas. She also runs a blog site called HalfAsstic that continues to amuse her with all the possibilities that lie in, not so much her written word, but the words she hasn’t found to write yet.